Manwich #1 – Chorizo and Double Gloucester on Crusty White

First of all you need the right ingredients.  I’m using 3 different types of Chorizo in this version as I am a greedy motherfucker.

Notice the 3 different types of knives.  A breadknife, a spreader knife and a sharp little one for vegetables.  This shows the user to be serious about their sandwiches.  Never trust someone who uses a breadknife so spread butter.  If they’re that lazy about knives they probably think Dairy Lea is an appropriate substitute if you’ve run out of Brie.  (It is not.)

First of all take the small sharp knife and cut off a chunk of cucumber.

Wash the cucumber.

Slice the cucumber thinly…

…then throw the cucumber away.

If you ever put cucumber in my sandwich I WILL FUCKING END YOU.

I hope I’m clear on this point.

Slice bread.  Notice the dimensions, not as big as your head, but big enough for your wife to tut in the background as you are preparing.

Spread butter with correct blade.  I am using real butter but you can use any spread such as Flora or Tesco Value margarine…

…

…that was a test.  You can’t.  You must use butter.  If you are tempted to use anything else please check inside your underwear and see if you have grown a vagina.

Slice the cheese thinly.  If you like a lot of cheese, slice a lot, but still thinly.  Great big hunks of cheese lurking inside a finely produced sandwich are an abomination.  People who cut cheese too thickly are just lazy.  (See previous note about Dairy Lea.)

Carefully lay cheese on bread.  Ensure that cheese is evenly spread and provides a solid base for other toppings.

Add Chorizo.

Add more.

Don’t be shy, it needs more.

Thinly slice your tomato on (and this is really fucking important) A DIFFERENT CHOPPING BOARD.

There is nothing worse than finding that your bread board has been contaminated by tomato debris.  You cannot prepare a sandwich on contaminated surfaces.  You will get ‘Soggy Outside Syndrome’ – this is grounds for divorce in some countries.  Remember, never accept a sandwich prepared by someone else if it is suffering from ‘SOS’.  Send it back with instructions on how to make it properly, even if this means going to the shop to purchase further supplies.   They will understand and thank you for it in the long run.

Secret weapon number #1.  Ginger and Lime Chilli Jelly.

If you don’t have this in your cupboard, don’t worry.  Just simply throw part-prepared sandwich away,  lie down on the floor and cry, as your life is not complete.

Alternatively just buy some.

Don’t forget the herbs.  The simple addition of a pinch of mixed herbs is vital to elevate your sandwich from ‘also-ran-wich’ to ‘MANWICH’.

All done.  Now on to presentation….this is vital.

Presentation step #1 – use a plate.

Notice the absence of rabbit food garnish.  There is no need.  This is a Manwich.  This needs no salad crutch to entice it’s devourers.  It stands alone, proud and cocksure, telling the world:  “I am a Manwich.  Eat me, and be sated”.

If you have any comments or suggestions about the preparation of this sandwich, or if you have any other sandwich experiences please send me a message with photos, and I will endeavour to post adding comments as I see fit.