Notice the 3 different types of knives.  A breadknife, a spreader knife and a sharp little one for vegetables.  This shows the user to be serious about their sandwiches.  Never trust someone who uses a breadknife so spread butter.  If they’re that lazy about knives they probably think Dairy Lea is an appropriate substitute if you’ve run out of Brie.  (It is not.)

First of all take the small sharp knife and cut off a chunk of cucumber.

Wash the cucumber.

Slice the cucumber thinly…

…then throw the cucumber away.

If you ever put cucumber in my sandwich I WILL FUCKING END YOU.

I hope I’m clear on this point.

Slice bread.  Notice the dimensions, not as big as your head, but big enough for your wife to tut in the background as you are preparing.

Spread butter with correct blade.  I am using real butter but you can use any spread such as Flora or Tesco Value margarine…

…

…that was a test.  You can’t.  You must use butter.  If you are tempted to use anything else please check inside your underwear and see if you have grown a vagina.

Slice the cheese thinly.  If you like a lot of cheese, slice a lot, but still thinly.  Great big hunks of cheese lurking inside a finely produced sandwich are an abomination.  People who cut cheese too thickly are just lazy.  (See previous note about Dairy Lea.)

Carefully lay cheese on bread.  Ensure that cheese is evenly spread and provides a solid base for other toppings.

Add Chorizo.

Add more.

Don’t be shy, it needs more.

Thinly slice your tomato on (and this is really fucking important) A DIFFERENT CHOPPING BOARD.

There is nothing worse than finding that your bread board has been contaminated by tomato debris.  You cannot prepare a sandwich on contaminated surfaces.  You will get ‘Soggy Outside Syndrome’ – this is grounds for divorce in some countries.  Remember, never accept a sandwich prepared by someone else if it is suffering from ‘SOS’.  Send it back with instructions on how to make it properly, even if this means going to the shop to purchase further supplies.   They will understand and thank you for it in the long run.

Secret weapon number #1.  Ginger and Lime Chilli Jelly.

If you don’t have this in your cupboard, don’t worry.  Just simply throw part-prepared sandwich away,  lie down on the floor and cry, as your life is not complete.

Alternatively just buy some.

Don’t forget the herbs.  The simple addition of a pinch of mixed herbs is vital to elevate your sandwich from ‘also-ran-wich’ to ‘MANWICH’.

All done.  Now on to presentation….this is vital.

Presentation step #1 – use a plate.

Notice the absence of rabbit food garnish.  There is no need.  This is a Manwich.  This needs no salad crutch to entice it’s devourers.  It stands alone, proud and cocksure, telling the world:  “I am a Manwich.  Eat me, and be sated”.

If you have any comments or suggestions about the preparation of this sandwich, or if you have any other sandwich experiences please send me a message with photos, and I will endeavour to post adding comments as I see fit.

Monday mornings follow the same routine every week. I get up at 7 am, shower and change into my nicely ironed shirt. I always iron my shirts on a Sunday for the rest of the week. Its easier to do a load together and I don’t like feeling rushed in the mornings. I carefully go downstairs and, if Naomi wakes, I take her and get her started on breakfast with me. Yesterday she had decided that her special bowls and spoons with various Disney princesses plastered all over the outside were not going to be used. Oh no – today she had decided she wanted to have daddy’s bowl, daddy’s spoon and daddy’s milk. She poured her own cereals (Rice Krispies covered with Cheerios) into the ‘grown up’ bowl and carefully poured the milk without spilling any. We ate our breakfast with Radio Four on in the background talking about the riots and global credit crisis.
I called up to Kathy that I was leaving and she came down to kiss me goodbye. She picked up Naomi and they both waved goodbye from the front path as I walked to the station. It’s not always like this – sometimes they are both asleep when I leave or sometimes Naomi is kicking off so much I leave with Kathy telling her off ringing in my ears.
I left at 07.44. This is 4 minutes late but I have built contingency into my walking time and if I walk pretty fast I can get to the station as my train is pulling up. Running to catch a train is a pet hate as I get all sweaty before I’ve started work. As predicted I get into the station about a minute before my train arrives, grab a paper and stand in the normal spot. This is exactly where the train doors open and gets me on the carriage first – this is important to get the desired seat. When you travel everyday these little things become important. There are 3 potential seats as I embark; making sure its not on the side of the train that gets the sun, I pick a vacant window seat in a set of four facing each other. The person opposite is an Indian guy, probably IT worker, nicely turned out, with a Blackberry. This is a good fellow passenger to sit near. They represent low risk of possessing some of the more annoying habits that people have:
Drinking/eating
Putting bags that limit the leg room (instead of putting them overhead)
Talking loudly on the phone in the quiet carriage
Playing shit music (so loud I am sometimes tempted to sing along in protest)

I sit in the quiet carriage so if anyone plays music or talks too loudly on the phone I feel I can politely point it out without too much bother. Usually people are pretty good about turning it down or end their calls. The quiet carriage is right at the front of the train. This has the added benefit of being closest to the exit at Waterloo so shaves a full ten second walk off my journey time. I’m not sure why I’ve developed this pedantic efficiency in my journey but I get easily bored so its something to do. (I also award myself medals when I return home; first person over the footbridge gets the gold, followed by silver and bronze. I know I’m not the only one who thinks like this and there’s nothing funnier to me than two grown men in suits pretending that they aren’t racing up the stairs when secretly they are…)

The train pulled out the station and I began to read the Metro I picked up on my way in. Front page – riot picture and some updates about what had gone on the previous night. I make the Metro last all journey sometimes; other times I resort to playing a game on my ipod or napping if I finish it too early.

Suddenly the train braked very hard.

My first thoughts were that we were about to hit another train. Being in the front carriage I tensed up and just stared ahead. A metallic clang rang through from the underside of the carriage; an object rattled its way underneath train as we slowed to a halt.

I looked around the carriage; everyone was looking around and slowly a conversation started.

“Do you think we hit someone?” a girl asked.

“I don’t think so” I replied, “it sounded metallic – might of been something on the line or some vandal throwing something.

She persisted “What if that was a body?”

“It’s best not to think about it”. I was trying to reassure myself as much as her.

Time passed. The train didn’t move.

Eventually the guard came through. He went straight through past us to see the driver without saying anything. He emerged a little time later to update us. We had hit someone apparently. We had to wait for the emergency services. It would be a while. People gasped. Some held their hands to their faces, obviously horrified. Everyone looked around at each other without speaking.

“Is the driver ok?” I asked.

“He’s fine” said the guard and walked back down the train to tell the other passengers.

No-one said much for a while; there wasn’t much to say.

The girl got up and knocked on the drivers cab and checked he was ok. “He seems ok, probably in shock” she said

Eventually the boredom of waiting prompted some more snippets of conversation. How long would it take? Do you think we’ll be evacuated? They turn the power off before they let anyone on the line. Do you reckon they’ll terminate the train?

We waited for about 2 hours. We were regularly updated by tannoy in this time. The emergency services had arrived. We would be going fairly soon. A young man walked with the guard and went into the drivers cab – we assumed he was a doctor.

Eventually we were told that we would be moving soon. Conversations between people who usually just sat in silence had begun and people were in good spirits despite the delay. The train was in shade and it was early enough so that it wasn’t overly hot despite the sunny day.

Another driver arrived and announced he was the man to drive us to Bracknell, in the next few minutes. The train hummed into life; the power had been restored. We lurched forward and moved a few yards up the line. We stopped.

A few minutes passed – the tannoy came on, the guard spoke in a West Indies accent:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I sorry to say that we have…er…a situation that means we will be delayed until we can -”

The train started forward again and began to accelerate.

“..er…the situation has now been resolved.”

People laughed. It was pretty funny.

We went about a hundred yards and stopped again.

Another wait, another hour. Engineers were called, the power was turned off. They fixed a fault with a leaking something or other. I wasn’t paying attention. By this stage a young man had put Friends on his laptop and a group of us were watching it to pass the time. I hate Friends. I was pretty bored.

We got to Bracknell about 11.15. It was really sunny. I had already decided to not carry on to Waterloo despite ‘refreshments’ being provided by the train company when we got to Ascot. I got off the train and walked down the station and got on a bus to Wokingham – they were laying on rail replacement. I was lucky. I got the last seat and the women behind me rather ungraciously branded it all ‘a bloody joke’. Our moody bus driver then complained loudly to no-one in particular about what was involved in putting on these coaches.

Shut up, I thought as I sat in silence staring out the window.

Turns out the train was sat outside Gypsy Lane in Wokingham, about 1/2 mile from my house. The bus replacement service then drove back down through Wokingham, past my house and to the station. It all seemed a bit surreal, to be trapped so close to home.

I walked up from the station and took a chance that Kathy would still be at the Salvation Army run playgroup. She was. I got a cup of tea and offer of some cake and chatted to Kathy and Sarah about my experience. They both looked horrified as I told them.

I left Naomi and Kathy singing songs at playgroup and walked the five minutes home and setup to start work. I took a couple of calls, confirmed a graduate training presentation I was asked to give for the next day and joined an internal change call. I emailed the Wokingham Times and gave them some details of the delay and what had happened to us – I always think about Richard’s time there and how any information is useful. They didn’t reply. I buried myself in more work until about 4 where I received a call from Jon, my next door neighbour and good friend. I had texted him earlier about the delay as he was around on paternity leave and I thought we could meet up at some point and get a beer.

He told me to sit down – he had some bad news. The man that was killed earlier was actually our neighbour. I was outside in the garden; I sat down on my haunches. I was poleaxed. I couldn’t quite believe it. Our neighbour? He was moving house on Tuesday. He was married – his wife must be devastated.

I knew the guy in passing. He helped me foot a ladder when we first arrived on the street 6 years ago. Since then I knew him to talk to and occasionally went to the pub. He was a nice chap, nothing indicated he was unhappy or in trouble. We all went out for a couple of pints on Friday to see them off. He seemed in good spirits and was excited by the move.

The rest of yesterday passed in a blur – I gave up work after that and helped look after Naomi. I met Jon for a pint and we talked about what had happened. It all seemed so surreal. It didn’t make any sense – he wasn’t the type. Jon seemed to think the story behind it all would come out eventually. There must have been money troubles or some other situation that we didn’t know about.

I met another neighbour; she was close to them both and was obviously distraught. She was helping the wife deal with the moving firm while at the same time trying to console her. The wife’s brother arrived and helped. I felt useless as I offered to help in any way I could. Kathy went around later to see the wife and offered to take some left over rubbish to the tip. The wife took a taxi to Essex to be with her parents that evening leaving a half packed house and the sold sign outside. I can only imagine how she felt.

I talked it through with Kathy’s Dad who was down to help us with the packing for our own move next week. I tried to rationalise my mixed feelings.

I had been forced to alter my view of an incident after the fact; what was an anonymous suicide that delayed my commute earlier in the day turned into a real tragedy with real people and real tears. Every time I close my eyes I see his face and the piece of track where it happened. My imagination fills in the gaps. I’m not dealing with it very well – I’m emotional at the best of times. I didn’t want to upset Kathy or Naomi so I forced back tears when I told Kathy and made sure Naomi wasn’t aware too much – she wouldn’t understand and I didn’t want to explain why Mummy (or Daddy) was upset.

I feel shocked more than anything. I don’t feel sad or angry; I didn’t know him well enough to miss him. I feel confused and emotionally drained. I feel sick when I replay the sound of the collision and think about his final moments; I know I should put it from my mind but I can’t help replaying the earlier events on the train with the knowledge that it was him. It was gruesome enough with an anonymous person; an old drunk or junkie who had had enough of life. I need to stop thinking about it. I’m not sure if writing this down has helped or not. I’m not really sure I can communicate how I feel at all to tell the truth; still the only people who will read it are friends and I’m not ashamed about emotions. Any ideas on dealing with it welcome. Answers on a postcard.

I’ve kept busy today. I ran the Graduate training course; I enjoy giving training. Something appeals to my acting instincts I guess. I’m now in the office and have done very little but write this all afternoon. Work can wait for a bit.

James D prompted me to write this as he asked Andrew what he subscribed to – I thought I’d start the ball moving with my podcasts.

Some I listen to religiously, some only when in the mood (cricket for example).

I’m always open to more suggestions,  particularly satirical ones!

Answer Me This – Helen and Olly answer questions.  That’s it really – full of funny advice, interesting etymology and random chat.  I love it.  Just won a sony as well so it must be good…

Adam and Joe – You really have to be in the mood but when these guys are good they’re very very funny.  Check out their Song wars where they each wrote a version of a Bond Theme to ‘Quantum of Solace’. Adam’s has some inspired lyrics…

The Bugle – Satire from Andy Zaltzman and that English bloke from the daily show.  Hit and miss, but good for a laugh.

The Now Show/The News Quiz – The BBC 6.30 comedy slot has been a bit weak recently but the Friday night slot is always quality.  During the election they ran a daily Now Show…worth a listen just to remember what it was all about in the run up to an historic election!

World Of Cricket – Andy Zaltzlman loves his cricket as well as his satire so I also subscribe to this but admit I have only listened to a couple.

Mondo Movie – Ben Howard and Dan Auty review all sorts of obscure films with a passion for the subject that borders on insane.  I don’t even like horror films but I still listen to this!  Still not sure how they manage to watch so many films and still find the time to do a podcast…

Thats it!  Any other suggestions please tweet me at once!  I need more to add to my modest list!

PS Good to be back blogging after more than a year’s absence!

Naomi

Christmas is just around the corner and we have just had our first fire of the year. This may seem a bit late but with the new arrival we just haven’t had time to light up before today!

Naomi is doing well – apart from her first cold which she caught off her mother last week – and she’s growing every day. She sped past her birth weight in double quick time and now is over 7lbs. (Considering she was 5lbs 11oz at birth that’s not too shabby!)

Everyone keeps telling me to take lots of photos because “they grow up so fast”. Well, I have and not only that I have taken a photo in the same chair each week, a task which I am intending to do over a year to get 52 photo’s. I’ll put them together in some form of montage if I manage to keep it up for that long.

I have had mixed blessings at work at the moment. I finished in Zurich after Naomi arrived 4 weeks early – I had to cancel flights and hotels as I was due to go out for another week. It all got quite hectic. I’m glad I left it behind – I enjoyed the work but it was a difficult project and it was beginning to take my focus away from what was really important – my wife and my unborn child. I’ve not managed to get a project since so I am now in a tricky situation. No project means I spend all day at home and spend loads of time with Naomi and Kathy but it also doesn’t leave me in a strong position for the end of year reviews which are taking place now. With the current economic climate I am getting nervous about the whole situation. I guess I should be grateful to spend that amount of time with my new baby – I’ve had 5 weeks at home so far! I’ll try and put thoughts of work uncertainty to the back of my mind until after Christmas.

We have written the Christmas cards today – which double as thank you cards for all the gifts and cards we got for Naomi – it’s taken a long time! Next is the decorations and it will really feel like Christmas. I have been growing my own tree in a pot since I got it free from an IBM conference on the green agenda – this year it will make its modest debut as our tree – it’s only 18 inches high! We have to be sensible as we are off back to Hereford for a week and a 6 foot high tree would be a bit of a waste. Besides, I can be smug and green with a tree that will not be thrown away at the end of the year!

I want to try and meet up with a few people around the 29th of December – so if you’re reading this and around Wokingham for the festive season (ok – I’m probably only talking to Andrew here but hey!) lets meet up.

Right – the baby needs changing and I need another glass of wine to get me through the Strictly semi final that I find myself watching… Cheerio for now….

Mini-Timmy on its way….

http://www.snackspot.org.uk/index.php

A horrible looking website but give it a chance! Some of the exchanges between people about the relative merits of certain confectionary is both engaging and laughable.   I would say people have far too much time on their hands but seeing as I spent 10 minutes reading it I am probably not in a position to criticise…

 By the way there are 2 types of magic straws so we were both right.

Kellog’s CocoPops Straws are edible and Nesquik Magic Straws are not. 

Snackspot reports on both are amusing – I especially like the way that the reviewer tried Milk, Tea, Lemonade and beer (!) on the CocoPops Straws.

http://gadgetshow.five.tv/jsp/speed_test.htm

It tests the speed of your broadband so you can complain to the providers. Well worth it. I love a good moan.

I shall test mine out when I get home…

Although I can’t really complain that I’m not getting my money’s worth as I don’t pay for it – it’s for work so they foot the bill…

The first of these is my Aunty – she’s cooking me dinner tonight.  This makes a change from Sainsbury’s pitta bread and random filling which is my usual night-time fodder.  It will be good to catch up as well as I only got to say a few words to her on the wedding day.

Another thing that’s caught my eye is the Tamworth Snowdome.  While it may be quite modest compared to a real slope I think that a few nights on the slope will be better than drinking beer and watching football.  Also I haven’t had my yearly fix of snowboarding for over 2 years so I think it’s a good substitute.   The prices seemed quite reasonable as well – £30 for 3 hours at a peak time – less if I become a member…

 We’re also near Stratford-upon-Avon – I can catch a few of the history cycle plays as they are doing them all this season.  (The history cycle plays are Shakespeare’s plays about Henrys and Richards.)  I particularly want to see Henry V and that speech…  (“We few, we happy few, we band of brothers…that are facing certain death and will, only barring a sheer bloody miracle,  be pushing up daisies before the day is done, should be proud of the fact that we have balls and in the future people back at home will talk about us (probably in French) and wish that they were here as well.  On St Crispans day. ”  (I paraphrased a bit there but Shakespeare goes on a bit if you ask me…) .

 We’re also doing a Ghostwalk on Wednesday night – wannabe actors hamming it up with sheets over their heads for the benefit of American Tourists….I can’t wait.